It’s a new age after all. Our perspectives and ideas of relationships, love, intimacy and commitment are changing. Queer love, open marriages, polyamory, and so on are realities that go beyond the notion of a socially accepted bond involving two heterosexual people. Does that really invalidate the institution of marriage? While people are being more accepting of live-in relationships, and open partnerships featuring ethical polyamory, the concept of marriage still holds some value to a bigger crowd. There is no denying the fact that marriage comes with its own set of challenges and complications. It seems like a web of roles and responsibilities waiting to trap you inside forever. Why don’t we, for a second, give our escapist minds a break and appreciate the perks of marriage? Marriage is a beautiful union connecting two soulmates till death parts them. You know you have someone by your side at all times to share your happiness and troubles through thick and thin. Despite everything, we still find ourselves introspecting the decision of spending a lifetime with one person. That brings us back to the question – what is the purpose of marriage today? Does marriage still have a place in the world we inhabit? What does marriage represent? We have with us clinical psychologist Adya Poojari (Masters in Clinical Psychology, PG Diploma in Rehabilitation Psychology) to enrich us with her insights on the gains and losses of marriage.
Reasons To Get Married – What You Gain
There’s no conclusive data on when marriage as an institution began, but some historians claim the earliest recorded ceremony between a man and a woman dates back to 2,350 B.C. in Mesopotamia. That’s a lot of history and tradition which explains why the institution is tough to throw aside entirely. “Today, marriages take place for various purposes,” Adya says. “Some seek emotional support, others want financial support. In the case of arranged marriages, a prevalent trend in conservative cultures, the financial and societal status of the family comes into play. And in the case of love marriages, it’s all about the comfort of living together and enjoying emotional and psychological as well as financial support.” Given its long history and its strong links with religion and societal acceptance, marriage holds a significant space in the world. You are probably wondering, “Is marriage worth it anymore?” Or perhaps you need more specific answers to “Is marriage worth it for a woman or a man?”, just in case you are curious about which gender is happier in marriage. Either way, we are here today with some solid reasons to convince you why marriages still work and to show you a picture of a life without marriage. Now, you do the math and decide which side weighs more for you and if you are pro-marriage or the exact opposite to it.
1. Emotional stability
You’ve signed a legal document or recited vows before a priest, or both. And somewhere your heart is at peace because now you know you’re going to be together forever. Yes, you’ve heard all about the divorce statistics and the hardship of life after divorce, but for now, you don’t need to feel so bothered about those ‘what if’ situations. You’re married and there’s a wonderful finality to it. When asked, “Is it worth getting married?”, you can say with certainty that it is indeed. “Honestly, I’d just had so many bad relationships and breakups, I think it was a relief to marry my husband,” says Jenny. “I didn’t want to date anymore or think about what a relationship meant, or if we were getting serious. I just wanted certainty, and to not have to overthink love anymore. To me, marriage is like the sweatpants of relationships, where you can be totally comfortable. And I was ready for my comfy sweatpants days cozying up at home with my newly wedded hubby without worrying about a thing in the world.” While our options and definitions of love have expanded in recent times, it’s possible that too many options also lead to increased confusion and inner conflict. Every new relationship comes with the possibility of ghosting, signs of gaslighting and other such horrific actions to disturb your mental status quo. Not that marriage is free of these, but hopefully, you’ve gotten to know the person you’re marrying well enough before you enter into a lifelong bond with them. If we go by the age-old tale that marriage is all about true love, then emotional stability becomes a major gain in the marital bond.
2. Financial stability
We’re going straight from true love to economics because let’s face it, marriage is a major transactional relationship. And even the truest of love falters under rocky financial situations and financial stress. If you’re a working woman, marriage means a double-income home and greater financial stability for you and any children you’re considering having. If one of you is not working, at least you know the rent and groceries will be taken care of. “I put ‘financially stable’ high on my list when I was dating,” says Nicole. “I’m a freelance writer and honestly, I was tired of being broke all the time. Any time it looked like a guy and I were getting serious and heading toward marriage, I honestly asked about his future work and financial plans.” If you sign a prenuptial agreement, you could ensure your financial security even if the marriage doesn’t work out. Sounds terribly cold and clinical, but it’s better than moving back in with your parents in your 30s. Is marriage worth it anymore? Check your bank balance before you say no.
3. Socially accepted union
As much as this term makes me grit my teeth, as an unmarried woman in my 30s, I appreciate the perks of being in a traditional relationship that doesn’t raise a lot of eyebrows. What does marriage represent truly? Safety, security, not worrying about finding a date for a wedding or spending Valentine’s Day alone for the rest of your life? Does that sound so bad? I hardly think so! Being married means you can share a bedroom in your parents’ home when you head there for the holidays. It means your landlord or landlady won’t look at you in a weird judgemental way when you bring home a date. And won’t it be lovely to not walk into family gatherings as an unmarried person and have nosy aunts and uncles incessantly follow you asking about your marriage plans? “But, is my marriage really worth it?”, you ask. Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but our society hasn’t moved past such pettiness yet. And if you reached 30 a few years back, you’re going to get a lot of pity looks and relatives offering to set you up with supposedly eligible bachelors from amongst their acquaintances. So, if you’re looking for reasons to get married, getting rid of societal pressure once and for all could be one of them.
4. Healthcare and insurance
I love the movie While You Were Sleeping, but what stands out most to me is that Sandra Bullock wasn’t allowed to visit Peter Gallagher at the hospital because it was ‘family only’. Similarly, my partner and I have been together for nearly a decade but I can’t add him to my health insurance at work because he’s not a spouse. Mind you, many organizations are changing these policies to include domestic partnerships, but it’s a slow process. If you’re living in a country where healthcare isn’t nationalized and accessible to all, you know that even a doctor’s consultation is going to set you back a pretty penny. So, if marriage is what it takes to make sure your body and your insurance are both healthy, maybe you want to consider it. I guess, in such cases, you can come up with a bold YES to the ‘Is it worth getting married?’ dilemma.
5. Support in difficult times
Again, we’re not saying a long-term non-spousal partner isn’t going to support you. But a lot of times, that dratted legal document of marriage is a factor. Perhaps that’s how you summarize the purpose of marriage today. To this day, you need the approval of the law and society to proudly announce someone to be your lifelong companion. “My dad passed away, and my partner and I drove down for the funeral,” says Jack. “My family’s always been a little traditional, and they were taken aback that I’d even brought her along. There was such a ruckus about it, and they made things terribly uncomfortable. It didn’t occur to them that she was my support system while I was grieving, simply because we weren’t married.” Marital rights continue to trump partnership or cohabitation rights by dictating who is legally qualified to offer you comfort. As a spouse, you have the right to hold your husband or wife’s hand while they grieve or if they’re in pain. And also, unless you’re in a live-in relationship, or your spouse is a twat, it’s comforting to have someone on hand to take care of you during tough times.
6. Overall security and ease
Every time I go to the grocery store, I stand confusedly in front of all the ‘family packs’. When I wanted to buy a dining table, I wondered why there was nothing smaller than a set of four. The world is still designed for people who are married and have families. Now, the opposite of marriage isn’t necessarily singledom – you could be dating or be in a long-term relationship – but the fact remains that marriage is the most convenient way to go. Your parents are happy, your friends enjoy the open bar at the wedding, your health insurance is sorted, and hopefully, you need never wear Spanx on a date again. Ultimately it’s a matter of security and convenience which attract people toward married life. In fact, married men are evidently a step ahead in terms of mental and physical health, according to an article published by Harvard Medical School. In a way, it throws some light on which gender is happier in marriage. “I don’t think an alternative to marriage can be defined,” Adya says. “Living with someone is not equivalent to marriage because marriage is a legal process of becoming someone’s partner. Even if a marriage turns sour, people often continue it to avoid the hassle of divorce.”
Reasons Not To Get Married – What You Lose
“There are so many reasons to not get married,” Adya says. “Maybe you’re asexual or aromantic, and marriage and companionship don’t appeal to you. Perhaps you’ve seen too many unhappy marriages and the idea traumatizes you. Or maybe you just want a drama-free life and choose to live independently.” We’ve given you the pros of the marital bargain, now what about the cons? With all the cozy conveniences that the institution brings, what are the benefits of not getting married? If you need some valid reasons to support the statement ‘Marriage isn’t worth it’ and feel good about your amazing, care-free, single life, we have got you covered here too.
1. Loss of personal freedom
Listen, we know some modern marriages are heading toward equality and openness, but the very definition of marriage is that you’re now a non-single, one half of a couple, a spouse. The idea of you as an individual is pretty much eliminated. That is exactly where the question of ‘Is marriage worth it for a woman?’ becomes more significant. For women, especially, the possibility of exploring themselves further, whether it’s via solo travel after marriage or a career change narrows down considerably. In more restrictive societal structures, women are bound to give up their own names and adapt themselves to a completely new identity with a bag full of new responsibilities. “I wanted to take a creative writing course after I got married,” says Winona. “My husband didn’t expressly forbid me, but there was always something that got in the way. Money was tight or the kids needed something or he was prepping for a big promotion at work. There was no space for me to get out there and explore myself as a writer and as an individual.” Individuality often becomes a dirty word in a marriage and you’re considered selfish if you put your own needs first. So, to answer your question ‘Is marriage worth it for women?’, it’s a tough call.
2. You’re forced to occupy certain roles
“I don’t think I ever thought about how loaded the term ‘husband’ is till I actually became one,” says Chris. “It was all about being the main breadwinner and knowing how to fix everything with wires and watching sports. I like baking and hanging out with our cats, and oh boy, did my friends and family sound me out!” His wife, Karen, retorts, “Every time we went to a family gathering, someone would say, “Gosh, Chris looks thin; Karen, you’re not looking after your husband!” Or if his parents came over and I wasn’t home from work, there were murmurs about how modern women never have time to run their homes properly.” We’re not in the Middle Ages anymore, but some things haven’t changed. The roles we occupy in marriage remain the same. The man is the head of the household, the woman is the nurturing homemaker. So, is marriage worth it for a woman? Is marriage worth it for a man? Make more money, squeeze out two kids, then we’ll tell you!
3. Inability to escape toxic relationships or family
While domestic partner violence and abuse occur even in the absence of marriage, it is perhaps a little easier to escape it if you’re not bound by the legal strictures of marriage. Many people who have pulled through the verbal and physical tortures of an abusive spouse for a long period of time won’t take much time to advise you that marriage isn’t worth it. “My husband and my in-laws verbally abused me because I couldn’t have kids,” says Gina. “I wasn’t working at the time, and I’d always been taught that you stick your marriage out, no matter how bad things get. I stayed for years in that toxic relationship and it destroyed my self-confidence. It made me wonder every day, ‘Is my marriage worth it?’” Marriage is so often seen as the most sacred of relationships, such that domestic violence and marital rape are barely considered crimes in many countries. The tale we spin of marriage being forever often becomes the reason so many of us stay in bad marriages. This is definitely one of the benefits of not getting married.
4. Over-dependency on a partner
Losing your independence is one thing, but becoming overly dependent on a spouse is a more subtle change that could occur without you even realizing it. “My husband took care of all the bills and taxes, etc. After we separated, I had no idea how to do any of it. I was 45 years old and had never done my taxes!” exclaims Deanna. Forty-eight-year-old Bill adds, “I never learned to cook because my mom did it when I was a kid, and my wife did it when we got married. Now we’re divorced and I live alone. I can barely boil an egg.” This ties in with people occupying traditional roles in a marriage, which means there are certain, vital skills we simply don’t bother to learn. Let’s face it, taxes and boiling eggs are things everyone should know, whether they’re married or not.
5. Divorce can be messy
“There are lots of reasons my partner Sally and I don’t want to get married,” says Will. “But, mostly, I don’t want to risk an ugly, acrimonious divorce and watch our love fade because we can’t decide who gets the picture of the horse in the dining room.” People are afraid of missing out on a lot of marriage benefits, but in all fairness, life without marriage is just as gratifying and exciting if you and your partner share a rock-solid bond. In the United States, couples marrying for the first time have an approximately 50% chance of divorce. And while a marriage falling apart need not get ugly, divorce proceedings could actually make you and your spouse more antagonistic toward each other. So you see, it’s actually hard to come to a conclusion regarding which gender is happier in marriage. Although like many other survey reports, The Daily Telegraph, too, states that married men are beating married women in the happiness quotient. “When my husband and I decided to divorce, we still liked each other, but had grown apart,” says Annie. “And then lawyers got involved and it all became so nasty. We barely speak now. I wish we’d just stayed friends and never gotten married.” To be honest, nobody can promise they will love and trust the same person with the same intensity for the rest of their lives. People change, their priorities get modified over time. And when you feel the need to step out, marriage won’t offer you an easy escape route.
6. Marriage narrows our idea of love
“My main argument against marriage is that it seeks external approval to declare a personal relationship as valid,” says Alex. “I don’t want the state or the church or society to step in and say, “Ok, now we declare your love real and valid.” If my partner and I have decided that our relationship, whatever its form, works for us, why let the state or the church have a say in it!” Marriage is often seen as the topmost rung of the romantic love ladder, thereby invalidating all other forms of relationships. Also, the things we seek in an ideal marriage – love, security, emotional connection, and so on – can be found outside of marriage as well. You don’t need a piece of paper, or a priest, to validate your relationship with your partner.
So, Is Marriage Worth It Anymore?
“I wouldn’t say marriage is worth it as such. Yes, people who remain unmarried face many challenges, but I advise them to live their life to the fullest. Do not care about what people say or think about you. Find your community, and keep a circle of love around you at all times. Maybe form a support group where you can share your problems and feel safe,” says Adya. “Remember, this is your life and you need to live it how you want. Loneliness is not a good enough reason to get married – there are other ways to solve it. Plus you can be lonely in a marriage too. Get married only if and when you are absolutely sure it’s what you want.” Marriage is one way to declare your love or take it forward, but remember, it’s not the only way or even the best way. As long as marriage is seen as a choice and not an achievement, it’s okay to keep it as an option. And it’s just as fine to live together, to remain single, to date who you please, or to eschew dating altogether. Always keep in mind that marriage does not guarantee love, security, or a healthy, happy relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, Disney got it wrong.
